Tsuki Ni Kawatte SPOON, Bub!
by Rabbi Tucker
Summary: Omega Red takes on The Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight as his protoge in his efforts to defeat Wolverine. But, when the Tick, Sailor Uranus, and Sailor Neptune get in his way, he gets angry.


**"Tsuki Ni Kawatte... SPOON, Bub!"**

**A brief introduction:**

Wow. This has got to be the cheesiest thing I have ever produced.

There's really not a lot I can say about this piece of writing, except that it was typed up on a whim about ten years ago. The idea of crossing over "Sailor Moon," "X-Men," and "The Tick" seemed like a good one at the time. It was written entirely for comedic effect, and I suppose that it did its job: to entertain readers. Sadly, that does not mitigate its cheesiness.

The title of this piece is derived from Sailor Moon's catch-phrase declaration, _"Tsuki ni kawatte, oshioki yo!"_ (Translation: "In the name of the moon, I will punish you!") It incorporates the Tick's battlecry "SPOON!" and Wolverine's tendency to address people as "Bub." I never liked it much, but could not think of any title that was better suited for this story. I am sorry to say that, even a decade later, I cannot think of any suitable working title better than the one it has.

Here it is, I suppose, if you choose to read it. Willing suspension of disbelief will undoubtedly be necessary.

Cheers!

* * *

It was a clear, blue sky that stretched over Tokyo, Juuban, and most of the Japanese island of Honshuu. The sun was shining while the birds were twittering in the trees. All in all, it was a beautiful, happy day. Even on a day such as this, Usagi Tsukino found a reason to cry.

"WAAAAAHHH!"

"Usagi, quit whining about it!" commanded Rei Hino, her best friend. "So what if the Conference on Mutant Heroism is being held here in Juuban and you don't have a ticket? You can always watch it on CNN."

"I don't know why anyone would want to see it anyway," said Makoto Kino. "It's just going to be a bunch of wierd-looking people talking about things no one cares about, anyway!"

"Makoto," said Ami. "This is a historic occasion. For the first time, mutant and non-mutant superheroes from all over the world will converge here to discuss important worldwide security issues."

"And..." added Minako. "The X-Men will be there! That Cyclops is such a hunk!"

"WAAAAAAHHH! I won't be able to see him! He's so gorgeous! It's not fair! WAAAAAHHH!"

*** *** ***

At Tokyo International Airport, a large blue man and his smaller white sidekick were disembarking from a long trip. The larger one was running on adrenaline from all the excitement he felt. The other was suffering from acute jetlag.

"Isn't this exciting, chum? Here we are in Japan! O, land of sushi and sumo wrestling; birthplace of virtual pets!"

"Hmm... yeah. Great, Tick."

"To think, we were invited all the way here from The City to be keynote speakers at the Confrence on Mutant Heroism!"

"Tick..." pleaded Arthur, weakly. "I just wanna get some sleep, okay?"

"Excuse me, Mr. Local guy-san," said the Tick. He removed a Jpanese-English dictionary from his pocket as he adressed a passer-by. "Wah-tah-shee wah Tick! Da-rey wa chee-boo-sah deh-soo-kah?"

"_Anata no hentai!_" exclaimed the local before he stormed off.

"Yes!" answered the Tick. "Anita knows Hundai to you, too! You see what kind of reception you can get from people when you speak their language, Arthur?"

*** *** ***

Early the following morning, Professor Charles Xavier and three members of his band of mutant heroes, the X-Men, were making last-minute revisions on their speeches. Scott "Cyclops" Summers, Dr. Henry "Beast" McCoy, and Logan, who also went by "Wolverine," were expected to speak along with Prof. X.

"You know this ain't my forte, Charlie. Why'd you bring me here?"

"Because, Logan," explained Xavier. "The conference is being held in Tokyo. You speak the local language. Hearing a message of hope and peace in their own language would make it easier for Japanese mutants to accept what we fight for."

Wolverene grumbled a bit, then snidely remarked to Cyclops, "Don't look now, Cyke, but that guy over there is wearin' the same thing as you."

Cyclops turned and saw the Tick, who was sniffing at a plate of sashimi at the backstage refreshment table. "Wow, Arthur. It almost looks like a piece of octopus tentacle!"

"Tick," whispered Arthur. "I think it _IS_ part of an octopus tentacle!"

"Egads!"

*** *** ***

The auditorium was filled to capacity. Although the majority of the conference would be for superheroes only, the opening ceremonies were open to the public. Local, national, and international dignitaries gathered in their balcony seats to hear the opening of the conference. Members of the general populace sat in the seats on the ground level.

Among the members of the general populace were one Haruka Tenou and one Michiru Kaiou. They sat next to each other, and on Michiru's other side was a friend of theirs from the United States.

"These seats are splendid, Haruka. How were you able to get a hold of them?"

"I think our friend had more to do with that than we did. He knows one of the speakers."

Michiru turned in surprise to their friend. "_Hontoo_? Is this true?"

"Oh, yeah. Tick and me go way back. Definitely. Yeah."

"I think the ceremonies are about to begin," observed Michiru.

"Yeah. Definitely," agreed the Sewer Urchin.

The mayor of Tokyo began an introductory speech. As the audience was hanging on his every word, Haruka's elbow was rudely shoved from the armrest.

"Excuse me," she said, irritated.

Her arm's place on the armrest was now occupied by that of a large man in a trenchcoat and fedora. At her words, he turned and glared at her with his red eyes, which starkly contrasted with his pale skin. Haruka Tenou did not scare easily, but his icy look put fear in her heart. They turned back to continue watching the mayor.

"And now, it is my privilege to introduce the world-famous mutants' rights advocate, the honorable Charles Xavier."

On cue, Professor X hovered on stage and activated the microphone attachment on his hoverchair.

"Thank you, Mister Mayor." He now addressed the people who were now watching him, both in the audience and on television. "Honored guests, fellow mutants, Mr. President, Your Majesty, Your Holiness, I have come here today to speak to you..."

Below the podium, underneath the stage, in the sewer system below the auditorium, a madman was hard at work, ranting to himself.

"Yeah, baby, yeah! So the guy in red tells me, 'How you wanna make a quick fifty bucks?' and I say 'Yeah! Yeah, baby, yeah!' So he says, 'All you gotta do is blow something up for me,' and I say, 'Yeah, yeah! Blowin' up stuff is the way to go, baby!' Why? 'Cause I'm the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight, baby!"

"Thank you," concluded Xavier. The crowd rewarded him with a standing ovation that lasted a full three minutes. The crowd finally calmed down, and the Tick was introduced. He was to speak on what it means to be a superhero.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Tick. For some years now, I've been fighting evildoers and defending freedom in The City. They invited me here today to talk about what it means to be a superhero. I'll tell you folks exactly what it means to me: It's keen!! You get to patrol the streets at night and in the day, and sometimes people will give you discounts on stuff! It's about defending innocent people and smiting bad guys, teaching them not to be such spoiled sports! It means looking the potato of evil right in the eye and say, 'Hey! It's time for some french-fried justice!' "

"Who is this guy?" asked Haruka of Sewer Urchin. "Is he the one you were talking about?"

"Oh, yeah. That's the Tick. Great guy. Yeah. Definitely."

The Tick finished his speech. He was given some applause, but it was next to nothing compared to the Professor's roar. Cyclops followed, speaking on responsibility. Beast spoke after him, citing the value of knowledge to superheroes. Wolverine stepped up to the podium, about to speak about the X-Men's mission and what the world has to benefit from it. That was when things got interesting.

The man sitting next to Haruka stood up. In one swift motion, he removed his hat and tore his trenchcoat to shreds. Once its cover was removed, the man stood revealed in his characteristic red costume with its silvery carbonadium armor. His wild blonde hair, some of which was in a ponytail, came down to his shoulder blades. He was Omega Red.

"**LOGAN!!**" he howled.

People ran in terror. The X-Men readied themselves to fight the cybernetic mutant who threatened to take innocent lives.

"Terrific," said Wolverine, unsheathing his claws. "I thought things were borin' here anyway. Come get some, Arkaday!"

Omega Red smirked and stood still. This left the heroes confused for a split second before the unthinkable happened.

"Whatcha waitn' for, Red?"

***WHA-BOOM!!***

The floor beneath Wolverene's feet erupted in an explosive blast caused by a time bomb set to go off at midnight, The City time. It was followed by lesser explosions that rocked the auditorium and gave rise to a cloud of dust and ash.

Only three things were heard initially:

"Now I have you, Logan!"

"Uranus Planet Power... Make-up!"

"Neptune Planet Power... Make-up!"

A few optic lasers, carbonadium flailings, and two sparkling transformations later, the dust settled and none were present except  
Beast, Cyclops, Tick, Arthur, Professor X, and two seemingly new arrivals.

Noticing them, Dr. McCoy asked, "Might I inquire as to whom you are and why you are here?"

"I am Sailor Uranus, and this is my partner Sailor Neptune."

"Fascinating! It would appear that tales of the sailor-suited heroines in Japan are more than mere urban folklore." Beast was about to contemplate the possible implications when Cyclops broke in.

"Wolverene's gone! We have to find him!"

"Right!" agreed the Tick. "It's our job to thwart evildoers and restore peace! SPOOOOOOON!!" With this, he ran backstage and crashed through a wall. Outside, he began running to nowhere in particular. His words were, however, rousing enough to get Arthur, Sewer Urchin, and the two Sailors to follow.

"Do you think they know where they're going?" asked Scott.

"I doubt they have a clue," answered Hank.

"But we do," said the Professor. "I've just completed a mental sweep of the area. He's in the sewer system, heading north."

"Then that's where we're headed!"

*** *** ***

Logan awoke to find himself chained to a wall. His hypersensitive sense of smell told him quite bluntly that he was in a sewage system. The rancid air filled what seemed to be a large conjunction of tunnels.

"Yeah, baby! We're gonna blow you up! Yeah! That's what we do, 'cause we're BAD! Ya hear me, baby? We're bad to the bone! Yeah!"

"Good afternoon, Logan. I'm glad to see I have not killed you yet."

Wolverine looked at Omega Red, then at the Mad Midnight Bomber. "So this is what you're reduced to workin' with, Arkaday? What kind of freak is he, anyway?"

"Yeah! I'm a freak, baby! I'm the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight!"

Omega Red walked slowly up to his captive and spoke in a most ominous tone. "If I remember, you have hyperhuman healing abilities, da?"

"So what, bub?"

"So, I will be able to torture you and keep you alive in agony far longer than with anyone else. You will beg me for death before I finally end my pleasure with your demise."

A voice called out from the shadows. "Not if we have anything to say about it!"

"Watch it, Cyke!" warned Wolverine. "He's got a sidekick!"

It was too late. "Yeah, baby!" exclaimed the Bomber as he tossed a small bundle of explosives at the trio of X-Men. Professor Xavier was thrown from his hoverchair and knocked unconscious.

Omega Red took the advantage provided by the momentary confusion. He extended his carbonadium tendrils and began strangling Cyclops and the Beast. Both X-Men were on the brink of unconsciousness when...

"DEEP SUBMERGE!!"

...a blast of saltwater hit the Russian mutant from behind, knocking him off balance and causing him to loose his grip on the other two.

As Beast and Cyclops struggled to their feet, the villain asked,"Who are you?"

"Invited by a new age, I am the Warrior of the Skies, Sailor Uranus, acting gorgeous!"

"Likewise, invited by the new age, I am the Warrior of the Sea, Sailor Neptune, acting gracefully!"

"I am the Tick! I am mighty!"

There was a short moment when Omega Red simply stared at the three, who were accompanied by Arthur and the Sewer Urchin. He had seen and dispatched a large number of would-be heroes, but none as ridiculous as they.

"A parasite, two girls in sailor suits, a spiked sea animal, and a bunny man..."

"I'm a moth!" yelled Arthur, deploying his wings.

"You'll be dead!" With this, Omega Red grabbed him with his tendrils...

"Not in the face! Not in the face!"

...and flung him at Cyclops, incapacitating the both of them.

"Yeah, baby, yeah! We're bad!" A number of bombs were tossed at the heroes, but they scattered early, and were able to avoid the blasts.

"Yeah. Bad. Very bad. Definitely bad." Sewer Urchin ran off in the tunnel they had used to reach Omega Red's lair.

"I had no idea he was such a coward," commented Sailor Uranus with a frown. "I've lost all respect for him now." She then turned her attention to the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight. "Now it's time to deal with you."

And she did.

"WORLD SHAKING!!"

A ball of energy resembling the planet Uranus, complete with rings and tilted rotational axis, tore through the ground and finally exploded beneath the Bomber's feet.

Arthur and Cyclops had recovered and were now reentering the fray as Tick and Beast simultaneously pummeled on Omega Red.

"ENOUGH!" commanded the mutant warrior. He began flailing his arms wildly, along with the carbonadium tentacles that extended from his wrists. Whipping, swinging, and flogging, the raging relic of red Russia beat all his opponents nearly into submission.

"And now, it is time for you all to say _'do svedanya!'_ " He activated his natural mutant power, his dreaded Death Factor. He emitted vast quantities of his toxic pheromone, and soon his lair was filled. Anyone who was still standing soon fell to their knees, clutching their throats and gasping for air as his airborne neurotoxin took effect.

Wolverene was partially immune, but even he began to fade. He looked helplessly and growled in frustration as he could do nothing but watch his friends die.

"Yeah. Geronimo. Definitely."

Logan saw a purple figure drop from a hole in the ceiling and latch itself onto Arkaday's back.

"Who are you?! Why aren't you dying?!"

"Just me. Yeah. Sewer Urchin. Thought I'd drop in. Definitely." With the conclusion of this brief introduction, he began emitting his own smell.

"Augh! What are you... ugh... can't... loose like... like this... _nyet_... ugh... hnrn..."

*** *** ***

"Yeah. Then I followed an alternate route. Yeah. Got the drop on him. Definitely got the drop," explained the Urchin.

"But how were you able to defeat him?" asked Cyclops, sipping a soft drink. The entire group was gathered in the X-Men's suite at the Tokyo Hilton.

"I believe he was able to produce a pheromone similar to the manner in which Omega Red was," answered Beast. "None of us were affected by it because he was able to produce it in a far more concentrated, localized form."

"English, Hank," requested Wolverene.

"Yeah. I outstank him. Definitely."

"Sewer Urchin-sama," said Sailor Uranus. "I'm sorry. I apologize for doubting you."

"Yeah. No problem."

"You know, Arthur," spoke the Tick, beginning another of his trademark moral-of-the-story commentaries. "I guess it just goes to show that it takes more than a fancy costume to make a hero, but at the same time, it takes a lot less. All you need is a will to do good and the courage to do it. It doesn't matter what side of the ocean you grow up in, or if you have any powers with spiffy names like 'Deep Submerge' or 'Crescent Beam' or 'Billy Bob Thornton.' All it takes is the heart and the desire to stand up and say, 'Yes, villainy has gone too far! Yes, we need some of that oregano called law and order! Spice me up, man!' "

"You got any idea what he's talkin' about, Hank?"

"To quote Polonius, Logan, 'Tho this be madness, yet there be method in't.' "

* * *

**Final Note:**

For those of you wondering what the Tick said to Mr. Local-Guy-San, he made a very poorly-pronounced inquiry: "Where are the breasts?"

The local responded with a declaration that could be translated, "You sicko!"


End file.
